I always have a little bit of apprehension whenever I start a blog. I do not know where the anxiety comes from, however I always feel it when starting a new project be it work or personal. Perhaps I’ll start by introducing myself. My name is Jennifer, and I have Bipolar disorder Type I with psychotic features (hence the searching for reality in a world of delusion.) I also struggle with PTSD, Panic disorder with and without Agoraphobia, and ADHD. Having ADHD is not so bad as long as I am taking my medication. I have lots of things that I can come up with to keep me occupied since I do not work and have a lot of free time on my hands. For anyone who thinks not having a job is fun, I assure you it is not. It is hard to stay busy and keep boredom from knocking down your door. There are also other issues that come with not being employed like a lack of sufficient income, self-worth issues, and feeling like one is not contributing in a meaningful way to society.
This blog is mainly about living with the aforementioned Bipolar disorder with some other ingredients thrown in for interest. I have and live with Bipolar disorder, however, I decided a while ago that I would not allow it to be my defining characteristic. I also have an interest in photography. I love music and the way it can change a mood or define a moment in time. I enjoy building model rockets that actually fly. I enjoy spending time with my fiance and friends flying rockets, and I can be an avid cyclist (when I am not feeling fat; some of the medications that keep people around me sane come with a weight gain feature that I have had to come to terms with.)
I had a previous blog about living with Bipolar disorder that ran for three years until I realized that it was time to hang it up. I began that blog having just been released from the hospital for the one millionth time, and decided that I was never going back again. There is nothing therapeutic about the “Behavioral Health” wards of a hospital. If anything, you end up acting like you feel better than you do just to get out of there. It is like being locked up full-time with a bunch of clones of you with slight nuances. Like I said, not therapeutic. If I want to be locked up with a bunch of mini-me’s, I’ll start an argument with myself…..and lose.
I decided to start this blog in the hope that maybe some of what I have learned over the years might be of use to someone else who is struggling. I am also currently struggling with a relapse into active Bipolar episodes. While I am always experiencing some form of mood episode that is not “normal,” this is a full steam ahead relapse. Maybe it’s the Holiday season that triggered it, but more than likely, it (Bipolar) just decided on it’s own to rear its ugly head. So, in order to deal with it, I have started a new blog on the subject. I am a different person than the one who blogged before. Back then, I was trying to understand it, and I was angry. Now, I am more accepting of what my life has become, and what it will never be. I am more at peace. There is this small problem of relapse, however, and since writing is my forum for releasing pressure, I have a new blog. Oh, and Seroquel really does leave you hungover.